It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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