Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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