Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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