How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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