I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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