Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
