we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
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She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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