i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
