Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
