I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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