That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
