i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
