as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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