There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
