I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I stole a fireplace last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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