I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
