Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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