Jerry, you need to find god
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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