The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
