In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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