I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
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