She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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