yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
