Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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