your parents love me but you hate me
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
