My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
