There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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