There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
