I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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