What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
