We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
