i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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