and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Randomize
