this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
