i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
