I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
