You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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