He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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