I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
