What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
