you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
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TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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