Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
