You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
