Soap is not a condiment
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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