Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
