somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
