Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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