I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
