He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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