That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
