I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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