I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
