The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
