I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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