I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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