I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
