Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My pussy is not your playground.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
