I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
