Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
