My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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