i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
