dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
