So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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